A Word on Anger

Go ahead. Tell me "I told you so." It was only a matter of time before I blogged about anger. Blowing one's top. Losing the proverbial cool. For me, a passive individual who dare not engage in confrontation, anger manifests itself in annoyance. Whenever I get annoyed I either never talk to people, or if I do I'm a little short with them. If something bothers me, I make it everyone else's problem, which is probably worse than someone just telling you about yourself at the top of her lungs. I can only think of probably one time that I've ever done that and I just erupted. I hated not having self control over what I said to someone in the heat of the moment so I decided that it was probably a bad idea to just shout what I'm feeling when I'm angry. Inevitably remorse follows and sometimes irreparable damage has been done to a relationship. That said, I've got a list (surprise, surprise) about anger. It's in no particular order or anything, it's just there to sort of let you know where I am, and if it can help you, then I sincerely hope it will. One of my favorite bible verses is found in Proverbs 15:1 and it says that "A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger."

1. Sometimes being the bigger person means holding your tongue.

Hey! Cool your jets! Isn't that the most annoying expression ever in life? I think it is anyway, but it makes a lot of sense. Blowing up doesn't solve anything and it often results in words being spoken that should never be said aloud. Sadly, it is often how you really feel, but more often than not, it isn't. It's hard, but remember some people can't control their emotions and others get roped in with them. Some people are the type to just try and get a rise out of people and those people don't deserve the satisfaction of knowing they got under your skin.

2. Not blowing up back does not make you a weak person.

Some often mistake silence or kindness for weakness. But it isn't. Silence gives you the opportunity to gain something the other hothead won't get going crazy -- perspective. If you have that then you'll have the upper hand. Even if he or she is right, this method of conveying that message will make them look like the fool every single time. Staying calm will keep the situation from getting elevated and as Proverbs 15:1 admonishes us, will quickly diffuse a situation. Who wants to look like a fool if the other person isn't blowing up with them? Sometimes it seems like you don't care or are scared of the person, but it's better to be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

3. Everyone gets angry sometimes, it's a human reaction, but expressing your anger does not mean acting like a fool.

I used to think that in order to be taken seriously, especially as a black woman, I had to have attitude all the time. Otherwise, everyone viewed me as being uppity. Whatever. There is no stereotypical method to get angry. I do get angry and as I stated above, I don't shout, I make it everyone else's problem. This is not something I'm proud of, it also encompasses acting like a fool. It's something I have to work on (I am by no means perfect), but I've come a long way and can honestly tell you, controlling your emotions and talking through the problem prevents situations from getting out of control 9 out of 10 times, everytime. Just kidding, but a lot of the time it really works.

4. Don't diminish another person's needs or feelings because you have a problem.

A lot of the time, when people are angry with someone else, and if you're like me, the other person doesn't always know it. My husband surely would (I'm not married yet, but based on my track record he could be sure that I was angry with him)! Saying whatever comes to mind, doesn't help. For example, "You always do stupid stuff like this. What's wrong with you? Why can't you get your life together?" First of all, who among you is perfect? Why can't YOU get YOUR life together? Why do YOU always do stupid stuff like this? What's wrong with YOU? If you can ask yourself these questions and give answers, then chances are you shouldn't address the issue you have with someone else in this manner. Talk it through. Approach it when your jets are cooled (tee hee) and see how effective rational communication can be. For example, "I don't like it when (fill in the blank) happens. I would appreciate it if you would (fill in the blank) in the future." This way it's fair. You can address your feelings, the other person's actions and create a causal link that leads to viable solution.

5. Don't withhold things from people out of spite because you're angry.

Seems like a no brainer right? It's not. Many times we want to punish others for how we feel and it's not even like we're really in a position to do it. We look for ways to gain the upper hand on someone in a more vulnerable position so that when that moment does come around, we are so excited to be in a position to be able to punish them for what they did to us, aren't we? Someone cut you off in traffic, when you see that car again needing to be let back in you blatantly pull up too far, don't you? Someone skips you in line and then ends up coming up short a dollar or two, but why give it to them? They should not have skipped you, right? When that happens, the best revenge is just to be in that position. It's humbling to require help from the people you stepped on. Most of the time, people don't know they've hurt us, and even if they do, we don't have the right to condemn or punish them. As you've discovered, if you ever get the upper hand, karma's a beeyotch. Remember that when you decide to keep something from someone when they've done you wrong.

Once again, my list is by no means exhaustive, but I felt like blogging about anger when I got mad today. Instead of blowing up, I wrote about it and now I feel better. Not just because I didn't get angry, but because I was able to follow my own advice.

Accept the good...

You'll find that not only do I often quote lines and lessons from the Shawshank Redemption but rather movies in general. Today's theme is from Things We Lost in the Fire. This little farce starred Halle Berry and Benicio del Toro. An unlikely friendship develops when Berry's character, Audrey Burke loses her wonderful husband to a tragic accident. Burke's best friend, Jerry (del Toro) is a former lawyer drug addict that Burke (David Duchovny) refuses to leave in the gutter, much to Audrey's chagrin. Since this isn't a movie review I'll skip to the point I was trying to make earlier...Audrey's husband used to always tell her to accept the good. I had to watch this movie several times before I could make sense of it. I didn't understand what that meant until one day while brushing my teeth it hit me. In this life, we prepare for the worst case scenario. We expect the bottom to fall out of everything. So when something good happens, it is hard to swallow. Emma Thompson told Dustin Hoffman in Last Chance Harvey (see? another movie...) that she was almost angry with him for taking the chance to be disappointed away from her. It's what we do as humans, hope for the best but prepare for (and usually expect) the worst. It makes sense to weigh your options, to give yourself options, but why not with a little optimism? The reason I could not understand what "accept the good" meant was because I am one of those humans that view "good" as a foreign concept. We know how we will react if we don't get the job, if we don't get that acceptance letter, if he doesn't propose. We know how to accept the bad because we are constantly expecting it. What do we do when the answer is yes? We accept it with reservations. "Well," we tell ourselves, "this will do for now, but when it goes up in smoke I'll be ready with the ice cream and tissue boxes." Why?! Why on earth would we accept good things as a Trojan horse? Because bad is in your face. Bad is what it is. But why can't we view good as being what it is? Good also is what it is. It doesn't last forever, but on the other side of that coin neither does the bad. We need sorrow in order to experience joy, and joy is what keeps us going, not sorrow. Sorrow shapes the joy we will most assuredly receive eventually. So when you do get the job, when the acceptance letter comes, when he is the one, plan for life's great moments. And if they don't happen, instead of knowing how to react to sadness, plan for better joy. Around every corner is a bouquet of flowers with a tag attached saying, "Accept the good."

Rehab is for Quitters

Webster's dictionary defines the word "quit" as "to stop, give up or leave." It further states that it means to "give up a job or position." The word "withdraw" is defined as "to draw back, away or aside" or "to retract." I once saw a t-shirt that read "Rehab is for Quitters." At that thought I chuckled to myself and was in fact greatly amused at the thought. Rehab is, in fact, for quitters. Quitters of drugs and alcohol or some other kind of addiction. Rehab gives people the power over what makes them weak and allows them to grow. To change. In the rehab of life, people don't always get a second chance. Fear paralyzes them. Bitterness cripples them. Anger prevents them from moving on and getting past their pain. I recently withdrew from law school for very personal reasons but decided that maybe it was truly not the place for me. You could say that I, in fact, quit. I had reasons that prevented me from continuing on, but I am not sorry I did. I liked law school but hated Florida. I liked my classmates but was terribly lonely. I liked my independence but hated living alone. Everywhere I turned was a catch-22. I had to come home and give up my addiction. I was addicted to accomplishment. I had to always do something, be somewhere, be somebody. I was going to do it at all costs. My drive was destroying my life in much the same way alcohol or crack destroys the body. It was impossible for me to continue living if I wasn't doing something productive with my life. And now here I sit, at a complete standstill and with the most clarity that I've ever had in 30 years. I woke up today and realized that I'm not going anywhere and I'm perfectly fine with that. The reason is because going nowhere doesn't mean not becoming anything. It means that I can finally see where I'm going. If quitting something is always this easy, then I think I'll do it more often.