Nothing to Say

I'm speechless. Utterly speechless. Rendered as one without words. I'm glad I embarked on this blogging twice a month journey because otherwise I would have nothing to write about. Nothing...to...say. I once heard Derek Luke say in an interview that someone told him whatever you want to do, go to the place where whatever that is, is. In other words, go to the place where your heart is and make your dreams come true. He was working in a film studio gift shop when he got the part for Antwone Fisher. Hearing him say that touched me. I want to write, be a writer. But where is it necessary for me to go in order to make that happen? Anywhere? This morning when I woke up, I had an anxiety attack. I was anxious about school, about not doing well in school, about not succeeding, about not following my dreams. I started out this time last year preparing for law school and although it came screeching to an abrupt halt, I'm not about to put that dream out to pasture. I'm all about believing in it, cultivating it, knowing it WILL come true. Looking back at my previous entry about fear, I realize that the time has come to truly follow my dreams. I'm shaking the dust of these doctoral dreams off of my heels and running at full steam ahead toward what I really want: a law degree. I like being speechless. As long as I'm not talking, I'm listening. When you have nothing to say, you can lend your ear to wisdom. So speak wisdom, I'm listening. I'm all ears.

Hello Fear

There's a popular song circulating around my Christian circle of friends by Kirk Franklin called "Hello Fear." The title is of absolute appropriateness at this point in my life. I woke up with heartburn this morning at the thought of having to take a doctoral level math based course. Everyone's favorite in fact: statistics. So it is not only math based, but absolutely difficult for someone who cannot conceptualize numbers the way she does words. I'm out of my element here, and I am yes, you guessed it, afraid. If I could write a letter or a memo to my fear it would probably read something like:

Hello Fear,

Long time, no see. Actually I take that back, you've been hanging around for years, keeping me from succeeding when I needed to the most. You've tainted most of my experiences that are my deepest regrets.

Signed,

Me

I'm going to have to learn to not let my fear control me. I always keep moving forward, often not confronting things, but leaving them far behind me and taking my fear along with me. But it isn't always bad. Contained within these fears are all my hopes disguised. I'm afraid of failing statistics is really I hope that I do well. I'm afraid to lose this person is really, I hope you stay in my life. When looked at by its polar opposite, hope, fear cannot stand on its own. It's not the fears that drive you, but the hopes lurking behind every one. So don't despair, don't fear, don't worry. Hope. Say hello to your fear, face it head on. And then introduce it to your real friend, hope and keep moving, better, stronger, fearless.