Change is good...

Change is on the horizon. I'm always dreaming of ways to make myself better when, I can be putting these plans into action. I don't feel like my life has started, funny enough, but what's crazy is that my life started the day I drew my first breath. All that changes is the stages and the amount of growth. That's what changes. I got taller, I got older, I got fatter, but my life was definitely in full force. I liken the feeling to the utmost freedom. Imagine driving down a long dusty road on a summer evening with your arms hanging out of the windows. Nowhere to go, nothing to do, but drive and take in the air. That's life. That's change. Every moment of life, hard or easy, sad or joyful, marks an amazing turning point in your life. You can celebrate and remain where you are, or you can give up and stay where you are. Either way, life still moves forward. It is most assuredly up to you if you go along with it. Find those dreams, mark that place in the stars where it is, harness and pull yourself toward it. I've spent entirely too many years pulling my dreams down to me instead of elevating myself up to meet them and I learned nothing. I learned that stars belong out in the stratosphere, not here on earth because they never last. But if I can reach the stars, I can find new ones if I'm where the stars shine best. This is my last blog post as Kellsbells. I'm changing because of the growth I feel on the horizon and it's calling me to take my place among the stars. It's ok though, change is good. It only comes when you've reached a turning point.

Nothing to Say

I'm speechless. Utterly speechless. Rendered as one without words. I'm glad I embarked on this blogging twice a month journey because otherwise I would have nothing to write about. Nothing...to...say. I once heard Derek Luke say in an interview that someone told him whatever you want to do, go to the place where whatever that is, is. In other words, go to the place where your heart is and make your dreams come true. He was working in a film studio gift shop when he got the part for Antwone Fisher. Hearing him say that touched me. I want to write, be a writer. But where is it necessary for me to go in order to make that happen? Anywhere? This morning when I woke up, I had an anxiety attack. I was anxious about school, about not doing well in school, about not succeeding, about not following my dreams. I started out this time last year preparing for law school and although it came screeching to an abrupt halt, I'm not about to put that dream out to pasture. I'm all about believing in it, cultivating it, knowing it WILL come true. Looking back at my previous entry about fear, I realize that the time has come to truly follow my dreams. I'm shaking the dust of these doctoral dreams off of my heels and running at full steam ahead toward what I really want: a law degree. I like being speechless. As long as I'm not talking, I'm listening. When you have nothing to say, you can lend your ear to wisdom. So speak wisdom, I'm listening. I'm all ears.

Hello Fear

There's a popular song circulating around my Christian circle of friends by Kirk Franklin called "Hello Fear." The title is of absolute appropriateness at this point in my life. I woke up with heartburn this morning at the thought of having to take a doctoral level math based course. Everyone's favorite in fact: statistics. So it is not only math based, but absolutely difficult for someone who cannot conceptualize numbers the way she does words. I'm out of my element here, and I am yes, you guessed it, afraid. If I could write a letter or a memo to my fear it would probably read something like:

Hello Fear,

Long time, no see. Actually I take that back, you've been hanging around for years, keeping me from succeeding when I needed to the most. You've tainted most of my experiences that are my deepest regrets.

Signed,

Me

I'm going to have to learn to not let my fear control me. I always keep moving forward, often not confronting things, but leaving them far behind me and taking my fear along with me. But it isn't always bad. Contained within these fears are all my hopes disguised. I'm afraid of failing statistics is really I hope that I do well. I'm afraid to lose this person is really, I hope you stay in my life. When looked at by its polar opposite, hope, fear cannot stand on its own. It's not the fears that drive you, but the hopes lurking behind every one. So don't despair, don't fear, don't worry. Hope. Say hello to your fear, face it head on. And then introduce it to your real friend, hope and keep moving, better, stronger, fearless.

No John Hancock

Do you ever wonder what was going through John Hancock's mind when he signed his name bigger than everyone else's? Did he think it would be preserved through all time? Because if that's his goal, not only does he have the most recognizable signature on the Declaration of Independence, he has an idiomatic expression to accompany it as well. As for me, I don’t have a signature. It’s the latest thing in cyberspace to measure the relative fullness of a person’s life. Unless your email is closed affiliating you with some organization, company, or projecting the end of your matriculation through professional school, then you’re a nobody. I get emails from a lot of people denoting their title, status, or some wise quote that sums up their very being. Not that I mind reading that you’re a JD candidate in the class of 2013, or something that Confucious said (before he ever knew there’d be an internet and that people would sign the end of an email using his wise words), but am I to measure my success by the fact that I have nothing wise to pass on or some important position to report? Ironically I must wonder what the significance of a signature is. Ironically because “significance” and “signature” both come from the same root word “sign,” meaning “an indication (n.) or to put one’s signature to (v.).” So I am left to wonder (being the wordsmith that I am at times) whether not having an email signature is a bad sign. I’ve signed lots of documents with my name only and signed off an email with my name only. Wouldn’t my resume speak for itself? Tell all the necessary things one must know? Isn’t it a little pretentious to let everyone know that you’re a law student unless your email was being addressed to a law firm in hopes of a job or summer associate position? To the person who has a penchant for famous quotes: is it appropriate to end your email with “We have nothing to fear but fear itself” when you’re just dropping a line to see how I’m doing? What are you implying?

Well I have begun to fear. I’ve begun to fear what with being left behind by social media and still preferring to read actual books instead of files on a Kindle and valuing face to face rather than mobile banking that not having an email signature will make me look too passe. What would I even sign it with? Currently I’m in transition after having withdrawn from law school to come home and take care of my mother after her near fatal car accident. I think my signature would read something like:

“The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”

Kelle Neal

Former JD Candidate, 2013

Full-time caretaker and selfless daughter

Unemployed

Have you been rehabilitated? Part II

"There's a harsh truth to face: no way I'm going to make it on the outside." So many things come and go in this life and it seems like the weight of the world is on my shoulders more often than not these days. There are more heavy shackles that await a person who has been freed. Shackles that come and try to weigh you down much heavier than you were before. There's another level to ascend, more things to discover, new heights to climb, more challenges to overcome. When Brooks was freed, he was too heavy laden from the things he didn't know, what he hadn't learned. Red, on the other hand, was heavy laden with the choice between accepting what he had learned or relying on what he knew to be an inevitable reality. He himself said "Brooks Hatlen knew it all too well." Knew what, Red? Knew that what a man believes he is, cannot be changed with a new address. What a man believes he is can only be changed (or remain unchanged) by what he accepts in his heart. I've had the hardest time over the last few years. I kept feeling like I had no right to complain because my mom was having a harder time, and having to support me through mine. I seem to be worse off than before in some respects, but on the exterior only. Inside I'm a totally different girl. I'm reminded of Red. He could have done what Brooks did and gave up before he had a chance to really live. I'm reminded of Red each time I apply for a new job or am impressed to pursue a new opportunity because he had learned that behind every fear lies a hope. He wasn't merely afraid of being stopped at the border, he had hope that he would get to see the Pacific. I'm not suggesting anyone jump bail or violate your parole, just listen for the hopes that often manifest themselves as fears. Trouble doesn't last forever. Ask yourself if you've been rehabilitated or conditioned to believe untrue things about who you are. Only you can answer that question and unless you and only you can answer that question then maybe you'll think of ways to remain unchanged, ungrowing. And if you can't answer that question then, it's true -- there's no way you're going to make it on the outside.

Have you been rehabilitated? Part I

You'll find that many of my blogs will in some way reference my favorite movie, "The Shawshank Redemption." Today's message has to do with rehabilitation. When asked if he felt he'd been "rehabilitated," Red answered the same way every ten years he was up for parole: "Rehabilitated? Oh yes sir, absolutely sir. That's the God's honest truth. No danger to society here." After twenty years Red repeated the words the parole board were expecting with great zeal. He was excited, answering the way he felt they thought he should. After thirty years, he had been a little less zealous but repeated the exact same words. The parole board had changed, Red's sentiment and words had not. Yet he was rejected again. Once his best friend Andy had escaped, Red rejoiced at the thought, but missed Andy dearly. He had become cynical and ironically that is when he was the most honest. It was through his honesty with the parole board about rehabilitation being a "politician's word made up so that someone like him could put on a suit and a tie and have a job," that is when he was approved. Whenever I watch the Shawshank Redemption (and I often do), I usually repeat these words alongside Red, thinking to myself that he was right. Rehabilitated is in fact a made up word. By whose standards do we reach that level of rehabilitation that allows us to rejoin the ranks of the society that scorned us in the first place? Once Red no longer gave a hoot about what was to happen, once he had given up and appeared hopeless, that was the moment he was deemed ready to rejoin society and live a "normal life." Are we to assimilate with these so-called standards and become "rehabilitated?" Is it being rehabilitated or being changed? Red wished he could go back and "talk some sense" to that "young stupid kid" to keep him from having done what he had done. Yet once he had assimilated into what the parole board expected him to be, he was not ready to rejoin the ranks. He had to be unyielding, real. He had to be himself and take a long hard look in the mirror everyday and say "this is who I was. This is what I've done. But this is not who I am any longer." And the most wonderful thought about that is, you can too. Don't punish yourself for what you have done. You'll remember it, but move on. It's what you once did, but it's not who you are or will forever be. You don't have to be as cynical as Red was, but you do have to face it. Be sorry for what you've done, but don't let it define you or the direction your life will take. Own your life today. Unless you have been rehabilitated.

A Word on Anger

Go ahead. Tell me "I told you so." It was only a matter of time before I blogged about anger. Blowing one's top. Losing the proverbial cool. For me, a passive individual who dare not engage in confrontation, anger manifests itself in annoyance. Whenever I get annoyed I either never talk to people, or if I do I'm a little short with them. If something bothers me, I make it everyone else's problem, which is probably worse than someone just telling you about yourself at the top of her lungs. I can only think of probably one time that I've ever done that and I just erupted. I hated not having self control over what I said to someone in the heat of the moment so I decided that it was probably a bad idea to just shout what I'm feeling when I'm angry. Inevitably remorse follows and sometimes irreparable damage has been done to a relationship. That said, I've got a list (surprise, surprise) about anger. It's in no particular order or anything, it's just there to sort of let you know where I am, and if it can help you, then I sincerely hope it will. One of my favorite bible verses is found in Proverbs 15:1 and it says that "A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger."

1. Sometimes being the bigger person means holding your tongue.

Hey! Cool your jets! Isn't that the most annoying expression ever in life? I think it is anyway, but it makes a lot of sense. Blowing up doesn't solve anything and it often results in words being spoken that should never be said aloud. Sadly, it is often how you really feel, but more often than not, it isn't. It's hard, but remember some people can't control their emotions and others get roped in with them. Some people are the type to just try and get a rise out of people and those people don't deserve the satisfaction of knowing they got under your skin.

2. Not blowing up back does not make you a weak person.

Some often mistake silence or kindness for weakness. But it isn't. Silence gives you the opportunity to gain something the other hothead won't get going crazy -- perspective. If you have that then you'll have the upper hand. Even if he or she is right, this method of conveying that message will make them look like the fool every single time. Staying calm will keep the situation from getting elevated and as Proverbs 15:1 admonishes us, will quickly diffuse a situation. Who wants to look like a fool if the other person isn't blowing up with them? Sometimes it seems like you don't care or are scared of the person, but it's better to be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

3. Everyone gets angry sometimes, it's a human reaction, but expressing your anger does not mean acting like a fool.

I used to think that in order to be taken seriously, especially as a black woman, I had to have attitude all the time. Otherwise, everyone viewed me as being uppity. Whatever. There is no stereotypical method to get angry. I do get angry and as I stated above, I don't shout, I make it everyone else's problem. This is not something I'm proud of, it also encompasses acting like a fool. It's something I have to work on (I am by no means perfect), but I've come a long way and can honestly tell you, controlling your emotions and talking through the problem prevents situations from getting out of control 9 out of 10 times, everytime. Just kidding, but a lot of the time it really works.

4. Don't diminish another person's needs or feelings because you have a problem.

A lot of the time, when people are angry with someone else, and if you're like me, the other person doesn't always know it. My husband surely would (I'm not married yet, but based on my track record he could be sure that I was angry with him)! Saying whatever comes to mind, doesn't help. For example, "You always do stupid stuff like this. What's wrong with you? Why can't you get your life together?" First of all, who among you is perfect? Why can't YOU get YOUR life together? Why do YOU always do stupid stuff like this? What's wrong with YOU? If you can ask yourself these questions and give answers, then chances are you shouldn't address the issue you have with someone else in this manner. Talk it through. Approach it when your jets are cooled (tee hee) and see how effective rational communication can be. For example, "I don't like it when (fill in the blank) happens. I would appreciate it if you would (fill in the blank) in the future." This way it's fair. You can address your feelings, the other person's actions and create a causal link that leads to viable solution.

5. Don't withhold things from people out of spite because you're angry.

Seems like a no brainer right? It's not. Many times we want to punish others for how we feel and it's not even like we're really in a position to do it. We look for ways to gain the upper hand on someone in a more vulnerable position so that when that moment does come around, we are so excited to be in a position to be able to punish them for what they did to us, aren't we? Someone cut you off in traffic, when you see that car again needing to be let back in you blatantly pull up too far, don't you? Someone skips you in line and then ends up coming up short a dollar or two, but why give it to them? They should not have skipped you, right? When that happens, the best revenge is just to be in that position. It's humbling to require help from the people you stepped on. Most of the time, people don't know they've hurt us, and even if they do, we don't have the right to condemn or punish them. As you've discovered, if you ever get the upper hand, karma's a beeyotch. Remember that when you decide to keep something from someone when they've done you wrong.

Once again, my list is by no means exhaustive, but I felt like blogging about anger when I got mad today. Instead of blowing up, I wrote about it and now I feel better. Not just because I didn't get angry, but because I was able to follow my own advice.

Accept the good...

You'll find that not only do I often quote lines and lessons from the Shawshank Redemption but rather movies in general. Today's theme is from Things We Lost in the Fire. This little farce starred Halle Berry and Benicio del Toro. An unlikely friendship develops when Berry's character, Audrey Burke loses her wonderful husband to a tragic accident. Burke's best friend, Jerry (del Toro) is a former lawyer drug addict that Burke (David Duchovny) refuses to leave in the gutter, much to Audrey's chagrin. Since this isn't a movie review I'll skip to the point I was trying to make earlier...Audrey's husband used to always tell her to accept the good. I had to watch this movie several times before I could make sense of it. I didn't understand what that meant until one day while brushing my teeth it hit me. In this life, we prepare for the worst case scenario. We expect the bottom to fall out of everything. So when something good happens, it is hard to swallow. Emma Thompson told Dustin Hoffman in Last Chance Harvey (see? another movie...) that she was almost angry with him for taking the chance to be disappointed away from her. It's what we do as humans, hope for the best but prepare for (and usually expect) the worst. It makes sense to weigh your options, to give yourself options, but why not with a little optimism? The reason I could not understand what "accept the good" meant was because I am one of those humans that view "good" as a foreign concept. We know how we will react if we don't get the job, if we don't get that acceptance letter, if he doesn't propose. We know how to accept the bad because we are constantly expecting it. What do we do when the answer is yes? We accept it with reservations. "Well," we tell ourselves, "this will do for now, but when it goes up in smoke I'll be ready with the ice cream and tissue boxes." Why?! Why on earth would we accept good things as a Trojan horse? Because bad is in your face. Bad is what it is. But why can't we view good as being what it is? Good also is what it is. It doesn't last forever, but on the other side of that coin neither does the bad. We need sorrow in order to experience joy, and joy is what keeps us going, not sorrow. Sorrow shapes the joy we will most assuredly receive eventually. So when you do get the job, when the acceptance letter comes, when he is the one, plan for life's great moments. And if they don't happen, instead of knowing how to react to sadness, plan for better joy. Around every corner is a bouquet of flowers with a tag attached saying, "Accept the good."

Rehab is for Quitters

Webster's dictionary defines the word "quit" as "to stop, give up or leave." It further states that it means to "give up a job or position." The word "withdraw" is defined as "to draw back, away or aside" or "to retract." I once saw a t-shirt that read "Rehab is for Quitters." At that thought I chuckled to myself and was in fact greatly amused at the thought. Rehab is, in fact, for quitters. Quitters of drugs and alcohol or some other kind of addiction. Rehab gives people the power over what makes them weak and allows them to grow. To change. In the rehab of life, people don't always get a second chance. Fear paralyzes them. Bitterness cripples them. Anger prevents them from moving on and getting past their pain. I recently withdrew from law school for very personal reasons but decided that maybe it was truly not the place for me. You could say that I, in fact, quit. I had reasons that prevented me from continuing on, but I am not sorry I did. I liked law school but hated Florida. I liked my classmates but was terribly lonely. I liked my independence but hated living alone. Everywhere I turned was a catch-22. I had to come home and give up my addiction. I was addicted to accomplishment. I had to always do something, be somewhere, be somebody. I was going to do it at all costs. My drive was destroying my life in much the same way alcohol or crack destroys the body. It was impossible for me to continue living if I wasn't doing something productive with my life. And now here I sit, at a complete standstill and with the most clarity that I've ever had in 30 years. I woke up today and realized that I'm not going anywhere and I'm perfectly fine with that. The reason is because going nowhere doesn't mean not becoming anything. It means that I can finally see where I'm going. If quitting something is always this easy, then I think I'll do it more often.

Two for the Price of One...

So my resolutions for this year included:

1) Doing a raw cleanse for ten days from January 21 - January 31;

2) After said raw cleanse eating vegan for six months;

3) Incorporating more healthy food into my diet; and

4) Blogging twice a month.

I thought that by intending to change my lifestyle that these "resolutions" would magically transform themselves into habits. So far, I haven't blogged at all, January 21st came and went and being a vegan is appearing less and less likely. However, I had a blog post waiting for me for some months and decided that I would upload that one and compose a new one with my alleged plan for 2011. If I could change my resolution or add one, it would definitely be to appreciate my friends and family because in a moment, in the blink of an eye, your entire life can change. My mother was in a really bad car accident last Thursday and was very severely injured. At the instant I found out, I got scared. I felt awful because I couldn't call her and ask her what to do. But as quickly as I nearly fell apart, I remembered everything she had taught me about the crises of life. "Read Psalm 91," she said. "Cry whenever you need to," she said. "Remember no one will ever love you as much I love you," she said. And it was true. And I felt encouraged because although she couldn't talk to me with her mouth, she talked to me through what she taught me and I appreciate that I had the opportunity to learn what she was trying to teach me all these years. And in the moment that I needed her the most, she was still who I leaned on. I love you mommy. Get well soon.